Captain Jamie Kirk
by yaoidarkness16
Summary: We all know the story of James T. Kirk as a man, but have you ever wondered what would happen if he was a woman? Things change so much from one simple gender bend. Can the five year mission be completed when feelings towards her First Officer deepens?
1. Pilot

**Author's Note: Yeah, this is a redo of my other fic with a better title and far more inclusive of other episodes in this series. So basically if you don't like Fem¡Kirk with a bit of a 'vulgar' attitude and more violent than before then press the back button right meow. :—)**

**|Story— Captain Jamie Kirk|**

**|Chapter**** One— Pilot|**

_Captain's log, Stardate 1513.1. Our position, orbiting planet M-113. On board the Enterprise, Mister Spock temporarily in command, on the planet the ruins of an ancient and long-dead civilization. Ship's surgeon McCoy and myself are now beaming down to the planet's surface. Our mission: routine medical examination of archaeologist Robert Crater and his wife Nancy._

_Routine but for the fact that Nancy Crater is that one woman in Doctor McCoy's past. It'll prove interesting to see one of my oldest friends reacquainting with a special lady friend. And by interesting, I mean quite amusing since I plan to tease him until he snaps. Oh the fun shall be had._

"Stop it, Jamie, you pest!" Bones snapped softly probably not wanting to be overheard by Mrs. Crater.

But I couldn't stop, he was so funny when he got all huffy like that. It wasn't often that I got to meet an old flame of Bones'. The poor, temperamental man didn't often get to experience flighty flings, so I was going to milk it for all it was worth. Tee-hee.

I teased, "Shall we pick some flowers?" I scooped up some dead, sandy-colored plants, piling them up in a bouquet. "Then again material belongings don't really sweep girls off their feet. But if you come to my cabin and take out my garbage, now that's freakin' chivalry."

Then I couldn't help but laugh at my joke, letting a small giggle escaped my lips before I tossed the plants over my shoulder, finding no use for them whatsoever.

"I told you to let it be," he said, then he looked around with slightly pink tinted cheeks. "There doesn't seem to be anybody around, does there."

"Oh, they'll be here soon enough," I said with a dismissive wave, then I teased further. "You rushed us down ten minutes early."

We entered the home. No one seemed to be there, so I called out for anyone who might be there.

"Professor Crater? Professor? Missus Crater?" Then I turned to Bones and teased him further, seeing the expression on his face. "Nervous, Dr. McCoy?"

"Yeah, a little bit, I guess. You see, we walked out of each other's lives ten years ago. She married Crater, and for all I know she may have forgotten me completely. Of all the bonehead ideas, Jamie, how'd I let myself in for things like this!"

Suddenly, I heard singing. It reminded me of those old animated movies by Disney when… um Cinderella would sing to the birds to do her bidding. I wish I could use animals to do what I wanted, I'd be spoiled as hell. Not mention fat as fuck.

Then the lady entered, "Leonard!"

"Nancy!"

"Hello!"

Immediately, they embraced. I couldn't help it, I 'oohed' and 'awed' at the couple with my hands clasped at the side of my face. I batted my eyelashes for extra effect. And I got what I wanted, it all accumulated in severely pissing off Bones; he gave me a dirty look that would make even the fiercest Klingon quiver. But since I was the strangest human girl ever, it felt like Bones simple punched me right in the giggle dick because of that expression.

Then McCoy transformed into a sweetie again when he pulled back to look at Nancy, "It's good to see you."

"Let me look at you," she said affectionately as she stroked the side of his face.

A genuinely elated smile graced his features, "You haven't aged a day." my eyebrows rose in confusion. The fuck? Bones you were a medical doctor and despite this lady being you're special lady, you shouldn't bullshit just to try and make her feel good about herself. Trust me. It never works. "Oh, this is Captain Jamie Kirk of the Enterprise." his words came out pretty much like an afterthought.

I decided to fake it until Bones made it to that pussy. God knew that he needed some love and tender time to stop being such a cranky man with a stick up his butt. I mean, um, I didn't condone cheating so that best friend could truly be happy. Not at all.

"Mrs. Crater, I've heard a great deal about you," I smiled.

She joked, "All good, I hope."

"And Crewman Darnell," Bones continued.

I looked around, over to my right and nearly jumped from surprise. Good god, I forgot that one of my red shirts, Darnell, was here. Hot damn! I need to pay attention and stay on my toes like a large cat. Perhaps a lioness? Yes, that breed of felines actual do all the fierce battle and hunt for the food. But unfortunately, pretty much all of it went to the single lion there where all of them have an orgy. Ew. You know what never mind? I'll just stick to being the slightly unaware, youngest female captain in all of Starfleet. Cause that was pretty damn cool.

"How do you do, ma'am?" he asked, I could tell by his tone that his dick was surprisingly happy for some unfathomable reason. Gross, Darnell.

"Something wrong, Darnell?" I questioned, my cherry lip glossed lips pursed in confusion.

He said, "Excuse me Captain but, ma'am, if I didn't know better I would swear you were someone I left behind on Wrigley's Pleasure Planet. It's funny, you're exactly like a girl that-"

Whoa! I doubted a woman of her age would be on that planet, unless certain men liked older women. I mean that, I was invited to go there and be one of their 'girls' and do things that my father would flip shit on simply because he thinks I'm still 'daddy's good girl.' Yeah, that's a lie. But either I didn't accept the job, choosing to go to the Starfleet Academy to work my ass off to become the fine Captain you see here today.

"Darnell, um, I think you need to pipe the fuck down and take a step outside. You're being rude as fuck."

"Yes, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am," he said clearly uncomfortable as he rushed outside the home.

Well, that settled that. Although, the look of mild horror on Nancy's face kind of dampened my silent victory on chasing away creeps. But in all fairness, Darnell didn't mean any harm by it; he just needed to understand that there were certain things you shouldn't say to others. Though, who the hell am I to lecture someone about that? I was a hypocrite, a low being that must be banished and shunned.

"Well, I think I'll take a step outside, too," I said, feeling awkward from her horrified expression and Bones' annoyed look. "Catch'cha later, Bones."

_Captain's log, additional entry. Since our mission was routine, we had beamed down to the planet without suspicion. We were unaware each member of the landing party was seeing a different woman, a different Nancy Crater. Clearly, she was insecure about her appearance, changing it frequently, kind of like Anya Jenkins._

"Professor Crater, I'm Captain Kirk. This is—"

Crater interrupted me, making me want to strangle him, "The heroic lady captain and the intrepid doctor cross interstellar space to preserve our health; your sense of duty is overwhelming. Now will you please go back where you came from and tell whoever issues your orders to leave me and my wife alone. We need salt against the heat. Aside from that, we're doing very well, thank you."

Guys like him made me want to commit murder, but I couldn't. He was a little bitch. He needed to calm down and at least try to work with us. I had regulations to follow and if he got in the way of the career I work my little ass off for I was going to kill him.

Bones spoke, "I'm pleased you're doing well but I'm required to confirm that fact."

"Doubtless the good surgeon will enjoy prodding and poking us with his arcane machinery. Go away, we don't want you," he snapped.

"What you want is unimportant right now. What you will get is required by the book."

I interjected, "Quote: All research personnel on alien planets are required to have their health certified by a starship surgeon at one year intervals. Like it or not, Professor, as commander of the starship, I'm required—"

"To show your gold braid to everyone. You love it don't you, you smug cunt?" he sneered.

Immediately, Bones had to hold me back because I would've taken him out. I was flailing and thrashing, trying to get to that fucking asshole. I growled vicariously.

"Calm down, Jamie. Stop it right now!"

Eventually, I stopped, seeing the fear on his face. I told Bones to get off me and then excused myself out of the house. I sat on the step and crossed my arms over my knees and pulled them into my chest, glad that my foot obscured the few of my nether regions. No one needed to see Jamie's unmentionables.

I couldn't believe I lost control like that. I could've killed that man for insulting me like that and calling me such a vial name. I needed to calm down.

I remembered the day I finally got to be captain of the USS Enterprise, the love of my life. I could've cried I was so happy, but I wasn't a cryer. It took years in that academy and putting my nose to the grinder to get to where I am now, so I didn't appreciate being insulted like that. It just got to me, you know. I couldn't help trying to attack him and make him apologize for that kind of bullshitory.

Suddenly, a woman screamed.

Without a second thought I got up and pulled out my phaser, preparing to take whatever's harmed that screaming person. I came to discover that Darnell was lying on a rock, Nancy was standing by him. What the fuck happened here? I couldn't help it I bent down and plucked a dubious plant from his mouth.

"Captain? What's going on? What's that?" Bones said.

"McCoy," I said in a clipped tone.

I rested against the rock and handed Bones the odd little plant and waited. I had a small inkling of hope that Darnell wasn't dead as Bones examined him and checked his vitals. I straightened my short pleated skirt nervously.

He said in a dark tone, "Dead, Jamie. Strange, a red mottling all over his face."

"What happened?" I said hopping down and facing Nancy.

"What do you suppose happened, Captain? You beam down a crewman who doesn't know better than to eat an untested plant," Crater Face said to me.

I ignored his bullshit, "I've just lost a crewman, Mrs. Crater. I want to know what happened."

My eyes were boring into hers as if I was interviewing her for a crime I think she committed. Ironically, it wasn't a metaphor. Nancy could've done it, shoved that plant down Darnell's throat for insulting her.

"Well, I-I…."

Bones comforted her with his words, "Take it easy, Nancy. Just tell us what you know."

She began, "I was just… I couldn't find Bob, and I was coming back. I crossed to your crewman. I wanted him to know I wasn't offended by the things he'd said back there. You remember. Then I-I noticed he had a Borgia plant in his hand before I could say anything, he-he'd taken a bite from it. He fell, his face all twisted, and," she stopped short to look at Bones for some odd reason. "Leonard, you're looking at me like you don't believe me."

"No, no, no, no, it's not that; it's something entirely different," then he addressed me. "Jamie, I suppose we could complete these examinations later."

I nodded in agreement, feeling suspicious. Something was off here, sure she put up a good performance getting all cry-ie and everything, but I knew better. Call it woman's intuition.

Crater Face interrupted my thought, "We don't need an examination, you can see that. Perhaps you'd better take your man and—"

I interrupted him, "We're well aware of our next duties, Professor. We'll complete your examinations tomorrow." I flipped open my communicator. "Transporter room."

"Transporter room, Captain," a crewman said.

"Lock onto us. Three beaming up."

"Locked onto you, Captain," he said and I flipped my communicator closed.

Then Nancy spoke again, gaining everyone's attention.

"Salt. You did ask them about more salt tablets?"

Why did she and Crater Face need so much salt? Sure humans needed a certain amount of salt or they'd die and salt made food extremely tasty. But still. That was a bit demanding for that certain item.

"I'll take care of the provisioning, Nancy," Crater Face said.

Yeah right, if I had a choice to or not I would drown him in a bag of salt for goodness' sakes.

**:: ::**

**:: ::**

"Miss Uhura, your last sub-space log contained an error in the frequencies column," Spock said monotonously in the captain's chair.

"Mister Spock, sometimes I think if I hear that word frequency once more, I'll cry," she said sarcastically.

Her pretty, long, well kept finger nails drew little designs into the leather well-worn chair arm. Her chocolate brown eyes looked up into the Vulcan's face, seeing it transform in slight confusion.

"Cry?"

"I was just trying to start a conversation," she answered truthfully, clear that she was bored on the bridge.

"Well, since it is illogical for a communications officer to resent the word frequency, I have no answer."

She knew otherwise.

"No, you have an answer. I'm an illogical woman who's beginning to feel too much a part of that communications console. Why don't you tell me I'm an attractive young lady, or ask me if I've ever been in love? Tell me how your planet Vulcan looks on a lazy evening when the moon is full."

It was clear she dreamt of romanticism and something that wasn't surrounded by clean, pristine walls where everything was predictable and simply boring.

Spock didn't pick up on that little wish or hers and spoke technically, "Vulcan has no moon, Miss Uhura."

She pulled away, not impressed, "I'm not surprised, Mister Spock."

Over the intercom they heard, "Transporter room to Bridge. Landing party returning, they report one death," informing everyone.

Uhura stood up and started walking back over to her station. She couldn't get any sort of interesting response from Spock, so she decided to go back to her post even if it bored her so.

"Bridge acknowledging," Spock said monotonously.

She stopped halfway there and said, "I don't believe it."

"Explain."

"You explain. That means that somebody is dead and you just sit there; it could be Captain Kirk. She's the closest thing you have to a friend."

It was true, she saw the way the two of them interacted. Uhura could tell that they both shared a friendship that might compete with the one Kirk and McCoy had. However, it was obvious that Spock refused to show it or particularly acknowledge it, he was a stubborn Vulcan.

"Lieutenant, my demonstration of concern will not change what happened. The transporter room is very well-manned and they will call if they need my assistance."

She scoffed.

She wished he would show more emotion especially to the captain. Unknown to all, Uhura, supported the idea of Kirk and Spock being more than friends, together. She thought it was the cutest thing ever.

**:: ::**

**:: ::**

Down in Sickbay Darnell's body was propped up on the hospital bed. I sat on the chair, propping my legs up on the empty one, feeling like shit. One of my crewmen was dead because I couldn't keep closer watch on him, shit was an accurate description.

"She called it a Borgia plant," Bones said.

"Something new to me," I said, annoyed.

"Bridge to Dispensary."

I leaned over on the counter and twisted the little nob. Spock's face appeared on the monitor and I attempted a friendly smile since he was one of my good friends. Plus, I needed to get out of my funk that I was currently in and just get over it. It wasn't like I could stop people from being stupid and eating random crap you find on the ground.

"Go ahead, Mister Spock."

"Borgia plant listed in library record tapes as carbon group three vegetation similar to Earth nightshade family. Alkaloid poison, chemical structure common to class M planets. About the strange mottling on his facial skin surface, there is no reference to this symptom."

"Hmm. Well then, this man wasn't poisoned," Bones concluded.

I addressed Spock first, "Hold it for a sec Mister Spock." I saw a brow rise on his forehead before I looked over and addressed Bones. "She said she saw him eat the plant."

This was weird why weren't things adding up? Was my hunch correct about that Nancy? I hoped not considering Bones and her history together. I mean, she was married and all, but she was also Bones' one true love. Hmm, mixed feelings on this.

"She's mistaken," Bones tried. "I know alkaloid poison, what to look for. There's not a trace of it in his body."

"There were bits of the plant in his mouth," I countered, at least trying to make some sense of this.

Bones said a bit sternly, "Jamie, don't tell me my business. He could not have swallowed any. My instruments would have picked up any trace of it whatsoever."

I stood up and pushed my chair in with a light kick of my black boot as I began to pace. I didn't trust Nancy, but I tried out of respect for my best friend. I didn't like drawing lines as the captain, but that didn't mean I wouldn't if I had to.

"Then why is he dead, Bones, it doesn't make any sense at all."

"I'll tell you something else, this man shouldn't be dead. I can't find anything wrong with him, according to all the tests he should just get up and walk away from here. I don't know. I'll have the tests double-checked, my eyes may be tricking me," he sat down and a wistful expression crossed his features. "I swear, Jamie, when I first saw her she looked just as I'd known her ten years ago. Granted, for a moment I may have been looking at her through a romantic haze."

I looked at him, my face serious, not a trace of amusement on it, "I know she's like your one true love or whatever. But I've lost a man. As of right now I don't give one iota of a fuck whether or not love obscuring your vision or not! I want to know what killed Darnell."

He looked at me with shock. But I didn't give a shit. A crewman I was responsible for is dead, so love and crap like that will have to take a backseat. Although, in his defense I was rather harsh to someone who I consider a friend.

"Yes, ma'am," he straightened up and approached the body.

_Captain's log, Stardate 1513.4. In orbit around planet M-113. One crewman, member of the landing party, dead by violence. The cause unknown, but we are certain the cause of death was not poison like we initially thought. If McCoy gets his head out of Nancy's ass and realizes that is indeed not a hat, things will go a lot quicker._

I sat on my chair, my legs crossed with my hands clasped around my dark panty hose knee caps. I was waiting for any sort of news from either Bones or Starfleet.

Uhura piped up, "Message, Captain. Starship base on Caran 4 requesting explanation of our delay here, ma'am. Space Commander Dominguez says we have supplies he urgently needs."

I told her straight up what first came to my mind, "Tell Jose to pipe the fuck down and he'll get his chili peppers when we get there. He won't die if he goes a few more days without them. Got it?"

The crew members still gave me looks for my 'vulgarity' and lack of fucks given if I was rude. But at least they were getting used to it, unlike before when one of the yeomans almost fainted. Wimp.

"Got it, Captain," Uhura responded, keeping in a small giggle.

Then I got up from my chair with a quick swivel towards Spock. I stood beside him near his station, wondering if he had something on that stupid flower thing.

"Well?" I said to Spock.

"No mistake in our record tapes. Borgia plant: its sole deadly property is alkaloid poison," he said in usual plain, logical tone.

I then turned my head in a quick check to see if Bones was anywhere near us, he wasn't. Good. Now I wouldn't have to feel guilty when I say what I was about to ask.

"Well, what about Crater Face and his wife?

A single brow on Soock's forehead quirked in response to my nickname of that horrid man, "_Professor Crater_… and his wife check out perfectly. They arrived here nearly five years ago. Visited by various vessels, made fairly heavy shipments out, of artefacts and reports. However, there has been a marked drop in shipments during the last year."

That was certainly odd. Now my suspicions sky-rated. Was that the right word? Sky-rated? Dammit I was a starship captain not an English teacher!

Suddenly, I was pulled out of my thoughts when I heard my best friend's voice.

"Dispensary to Captain."

"Kirk here."

"We found something."

Oooh, now I was curious and somewhat excited. Will this mystery be solved and put my mind at ease or naw? I didn't know, so that was I asked the following question:

"What is it?"

"I'd rather not put it on the speaker."

In the next minute me and my first officer were down in Sickbay Bones looking at Darnell's body.

"Fascinating," Spock uttered one of his signature lines.

"So improbable we almost didn't check it."

Why was I left out again? I didn't like this. It reminded me heavily of my days at Starfleet when the boys didn't include me in prep-captaincy stuff because I was the only girl admitted in that program. I hated those days.

"What? What are you leaving me out of?" I said a little tersely.

"Sodium chloride. Not a trace of it."

"This man has no salt in his body at all."

"How in the hell did that happen?" I said, giving him a curious look.

How can someone lose all of their salt so quickly? You couldn't sweat all of it that quickly. Unless there was a salt sucking monster out there, that would be kind of cool by the way, something was seriously wrong.

Bones didn't have an explanation either, "I don't know, except that what we normally carry in our bodies is gone from his," so much for that.

"He would die almost instantly," Spock supplied.

"How? There isn't a mark on his body."

"Except the red rings on his face," Bones said.

I gave him a look for that. He already had an explanation for that. Did he fuck up again? Ooh, two for the captain while the doctor had yet to score.

"You called that skin mottling," I said simply.

"I thought it was, ma'am. Another error on my part."

I smiled joyously to try and pacify his worries. I did snap earlier and perhaps that put him on edge. I needed to make sure he was alright and that were still besties.

"I'm not counting them, Bones," I totally was. "Are you in the mood for an apology?"

I walked over to him, still flashing my half smile at him to show that I wasn't going to bite his head off because of his mistake earlier.

"Oh, forget it. I probably was mooning over her when I should have been thinking about my job," he said, that was probably the closest thing I got to an apology.

I continued to show my half smile that that I used in tough situations and when I found a guy that wasn't under my command really hot, "I guess I'll take that as an apology. Anyway, onto more important stuff, Nancy and Crater Face went out of their way to mention one item they needed."

It took him a moment to realize it.

"Salt tablets."

Bingo.

Then I turned around to my first officer, seeing as we kind of neglected him. I mean he didn't have any feelings, so why should it matter. But to be honest I couldn't just shove him to the side like that. He reminded me too much of my cat, Miss Kitty Fantastico.

"Mister Spock, outfit a landing party. We're beaming down with some questions," I tell him, reaching up to pat him softly on his shoulder as Bones and I went to the Transporter Room.

In a few short minutes we were in Crater Face's home. This time, however, I was prepared to deal with this asshole without snapping and beating the absolute fucking shit out of him.

"One might think that you had more important duties than harassing people, _Captain_," Crater Face said, his tone sarcastic on my earned title. "Doctor is she really the captain?"

I spoke in a harsh clipped tone before Bones could, "I earned my title Crather Face just like you have, so pipe the fuck down." his brow rose in surprise before I coninued on an average tone of voice. "Where's Mrs. Crater? I want to talk to her, too."

"Captain, you can't just beam down here and bully us, and interfere with our work."

Bullying?! He was the one bullying me! I stopped myself just before I yelled in his face. I mean for fuck's sake he called me a 'smug cunt' if that wasn't bullying than I didn't know what was. God, if I could I would crack his skull against the slide like that boy who broke my arm over hopscotch in the third grade.

"Mrs. Crater," I said getting up in his face, my arms blocking his escape. "I won't ask again."

He looked fearful as he answered, "Possibly at the other diggings; we don't keep military logs."

I backed off, crossed my arms underneath my chest, faced Green with a softer expression seeing as he didn't piss me off.

"Green, find her."

"Yes, ma'am," he said and left.

I flipped open the communicator, "Mister Spock."

I heard his deep voice, "Standing by."

I began to speak what was needed here, bringing my face a little bit of a ways away from the communicator. This wasn't what Spock needed to hear.

"Sturgeon, transport a sample of the plant to Mister Spock. We'll check if it's actually the Borgia plant or something we don't understand," then Sturgeon left. "You got that, Mister Spock?"

"Complete analysis."

I slapped the communicator closed, stuffed it down my boot since I didn't have anywhere else that I liked to put it. The holster on my waist held other things and I liked the fact that it was unbalanced on one side. It made it look cuter.

"Captain, considering the inescapable fact that you are a trespasser on my planet—"

"Your complaint is noted, in the folder called 'I don't give a fuck.' Look, something we don't understand killed one of my men. It could prove to be a danger to you and Mrs. Crater, too. So basically I need your cooperation."

"We've been here for almost five years. If there were anything hostile here we would know about it, wouldn't we?" He shot back.

I took a deep breath, that was what I needed.

"Bones, tell the professor what the autopsy revealed."

"Our crewman died of salt depletion. Sudden, total loss of it. Medically impossible by any standards," Bones began.

I closed in on him, "And by coincidence, both you and Mrs. Crater requested salt tablets."

His voice turned nervous once more, "And your esteemed physician cannot explain our need for salt tablets?"

I began to circle him, taking long strides with my arms still crossed behind me. I could see the fear etched on his face.

"We're all aware of the need for salt on a hot and arid planet like this, Crater Face, but it's a mystery, and I don't like mysteries. They give me a bellyache and I've got a nasty one cooking right now, that could explode anytime."

My eyes narrowed on the last four words as I looked him dead in the eye from a few short feet away. He swallowed uncomfortably. Then he took off into another room, probably looking for what I want.

He opened a box, "Nancy and I started with twenty five pounds. This is what we have left." He poured open a few tablets at the bottom of a jar. "Now what is so mysterious about that?"

Bones took a taste and confirmed that it was indeed, "Salt."

"One of the missions of the Enterprise is to protect human life in places like this. I'm going to have to ask you and Mrs. Crater to stay aboard my ship until we find out what killed that crewman," I told him, even though I wanted him to rot.

"But you can't do that."

"Oh, but I can Crater Face," I smirked smugly that I often use to attract or intimidate people. He looked fearful. Then I flipped open the communicator with my hand on my hip whilst still giving fuck face an intimating look. "Mister Spock."

I loved intimating rampant sexist mean pigs like him. This was why I was never going to get married and keep myself independent and happy with flighty flings. I was happy with that.

"Spock here."

"Arrange quarters for Crater Face and Nancy. Did you get the plant analysized?"

For some reason I began to twirl my dark blonde hair absently? Weird. Why was I doing that?

"It is the Borgia variety, Captain. Could not have caused Darnell's death."

"Yeah, I figured as much," I said snapping the communicator shut.

"Jamie, he's run off!" Bones shouted looking frantic.

Me and Bones booked it down out of the Crater home. The two of us ran up through the sandy arid dessert. My feet thundered hard against the pavement.

"Crater Face! Crater Face!" I called outside.

Bones called out too, "Professor Crater!"

"Crater Face! Crater! Crater!"

Then I came to a halting stop alongside Bones as I looked down at another dead crewman. Bones bent down to check on him and I felt another surge of powerful guilt race through me. It was my fucking fault all over again.

"Jamie! Jamie, it's Sturgeon. He's dead."

I ran a frustrated hand through my wavy hair and rested my hands on my neck, "We'd better locate Crewman Green. Green! Green! Crewman Green, report! Green!"

Bones shouted with me, "Crewman Green, report! Green! Green, where are you? Could it be Crater? He came this way."

"I don't know. Green!" Then finally the little dick head showed up. "Did you see this?"

I gestured to the body on the ground, giving him a look.

"Yes, ma'am. Sturgeon was dead when I found him. I was circling to find whatever it was."

"Same red rings on his face. Have you seen Nancy… Mrs. Crater?"

"No, sir. I checked all through the ruins."

"I'm worried about her, Jamie. She's not at the quarters, she's not at the diggings. She could be in trouble. Nancy!"

I began to shout too, trying to find these stupid mother fuckers.

"Crater Face!"

"Nancy, it's Leonard!"

I had to stop this foolishness, it was going too far. I couldn't give a dick about that stupid Nancy bitch.

"We're beaming aboard the ship, Doctor," I said decidedly with my hand upon my hip.

"You can't leave her!" Bones grabbed my arm, I gave him a look for that.

"We can't search this whole planet on foot."

"Jamie!"

I had enough. At first I thought it was cute as shit that he had a little girlfriend, but after about three times his judgement was clouded I was over it. Nancy can go fuck herself for fucking with my best friend.

"You could learn something from Mister Spock, Doctor. Stop thinking with your dick and get your head out of your ass, it's not a hat," he looked surprised and removed his hand. "We've equipment aboard the Enterprise that could pinpoint a match lit anywhere on this planet, or the heat of a body," I opened my communicator. "Transporter room, Kirk speaking. Three to beam up."

All three of us transported up into the room where a few crewmen stood. I stepped off the pad, frustration in my steps as I left behind Bones and Green. I reached the com and pressed the button to call the bridge.

"Kirk to Bridge."

"Spock here."

Finally someone who didn't think with their _other_ head.

"Get the surface search equipment, I want coordinates on two people," I told him, hoping he wouldn't question me on this bullshit.

"Acknowledged."

"There's a body down there, Sturgeon."

I closed my eyes briefly, trying to extinguish negative thoughts on how yet another crewmen I was supposed to protect had died under my care. God, I was awful.

The transporter operator said, "We'll bring him home, ma'am."

I left the com and addressed Bones.

"You could use some sleep, Bones."

"All right, Jamie."

I moved quickly throughout the corridor I had places to be, things to do. I caught one of the crewmen, so I addressed him. Out of good faith I smiled at him and made sure my stressed out mood didn't show.

"The door to my quarters still rattles when it opens. Would you be so kind as to stop by and see if you can do something about it? Thanks, Chapman."

He nodded, so I kept walking on. I walked quickly, feet thundering on, needing to get to the bridge. All was going according to plan until my face collided into a firm chest. I would've flown backwards hard on my ass if it wasn't for a lean muscled arm that snuck around my waist, pulling me back into that chest. My face flushed in response.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Uh… I didn't mean to run into you," I then looked up and my body went ridged when I looked up at the face of my first officer. "Mister Spock, you're supposed to be on the bridge."

I thought he was standing too close; about half a foot away when he finally released my waist. My hazel eyes widened in confusion as he approached me. I backed up. Then he continued to approach. Then I felt my back hit the wall softly. My pulse started to race and I realized that he didn't plan on moving.

I thought he was too close already, but I guess a half a foot between us still wasn't enough for Spock. So he inched forward a little more. My big, watery, hazel eyes just widened in curiosity and a lot of confusion. I didn't know what to expect— that I didn't know what that sick puppy was capable of.

"Mister Spock…," I said, confusion lacing my tone.

I didn't give a rat's ass anymore if I seemed like a fucking school girl, my cheeks heated up. And not in that fake way to get guys. I couldn't help it, his eyes raked hungrily over my face, from hairline to chin, making me blush and become instantly uncomfortable. What the hell was wrong with Spock?

He was starting to heave, looking like a starved animal in a cage, with bars between him and a gourmet feast. I was beginning to become concerned.

"They don't deserve you, beautiful," I heard his voice get husky. "Do those one night stands with alien kind make you happy?"

The question hung in the small space between us. A blasted look of confusion passed through my eyes. What in the absolute fuck foes he want with me?

"Yes," I told him. "I'm very happy."

"That's not what I meant, babe."

His face was serious when he said that, only because he meant it and more.

He craned his head forward, his nose nuzzling the tip of mine as he avoided my strawberry chapstick lips. I kept my eyes shut tightly, wishing he would back off and wishing he would just kiss me already at the same time. God, why did it turn me on even more with the thought of doing it with my first officer in the middle of a corridor in front of everyone?

"Ask me," he said, an inch from my mouth.

I swallowed hard. I was still torn, not sure what to do. Oh yes, I wanted the D, I wanted the Vulcan D. Wait what the fuck was I thinking? He was just a friend and my fucking first officer!

I watched his hand reach up toward my mouth, wondering what he was doing. His index finger traced my bottom lip before his middle one joined it, sinking into the warm moisture beneath it. It only took a second. The tips of his two fingers wet with my saliva and I watched him close his eyes with a small sigh of pleasure. When he opened his eyes, he locked eyes with me as he put his digits into his mouth to give them a suck.

"Tastes good," he said. His other hand moving up to my other cheek.

Then I escaped.

I was still riding the previous moment and I walked away in complete confusion since I had no clue as to why he did that in the first place. My heart raced. I chocked it up to hormones because of my lack of one night fucks with sexy alien kind and that was how he effected me so.

"Captain Kirk, report to the Bridge," a deep and far too familiar voice said, sounding like a tongue was in my ear.

Wait, what the fuck? How did Spock…? Oh. Oh no….

"Captain Kirk. On my way, Mister Spock."

That thing walked closer to me, so I turned around and backhanded it with the back of my fist. It wasn't effected whatsoever. In fact it grabbed my wrist so hard I gasped before I was thrown to the floor.

Then I escaped into the Turbolift, planning to keep the real Spock by my side and then track down the fake one, so I didn't accidentally kill one of my best friends. I couldn't fight it now.

**:: ::**

**:: ::**

The fake Mister Spock had found McCoy's quarters, and then transformed into Crater. her intentions were clear when it came to the doctor.

"Nancy. Well, come in. come in. I've been worried sick about you; I wonder why Jamie didn't tell me she found you," he said ushering her in.

"I'm so happy to see you, Leonard. The others, they, I-I don't relate to them as much as you. You have such strong memories of me," she said, stroking his face affectionately.

Immediately, the doctor flushed in embarrassment and flattery. Despite the man always being rather bitter, he wasn't immune to past love's sweet talk.

"Well," he sounded positively bashful.

"You do care, don't you, Leonard? It makes me feel so… so safe," she leaned her head on his chest, sighing contently.

A thought crossed McCoy's mind. Crater was married and walked out of his life years ago. He may still love her and not have someone to call his own, but she did.

"Nancy, er-"

She guessed his uncomfortableness accurately, "My husband? I like your feelings better, much stronger." Then she moved away from his chest and sensed the mood accurately once more and said. "But you're tired, you need to rest." Then she leant over to retrieve some sleeping pills on his night stand. "I think you should take these to help you sleep. I'll get you some water."

Out in the corridor a crewman lied dead with mottles on his face, shock lit up the two friends standing there.

"Look at his face!" Rand said, shock written on her own face.

Sulu pressed the com's button and alerted everyone, "Bridge, Sulu. Trouble on deck nine, section two. We need a medical team."

_Captain's log, Stardate 1513.8. I am now certain that the violent death of my crewmen was caused by some strange life-form that has escaped on my ship. I had encountered a Fake Mister Spock with the creature masquerading as him and now Green was dead with the same markings as the other victims. It seemed we had no other choice, but to take it out._

Back in McCoy's quarters he was lying on his bed with Crater doctoring him for a change. If only he knew that she was planning to drug him and carry on with her diabolical plan to steal all the salt that she could ever need. After all, a girl's gotta eat.

"I was so worried. Your husband acting strange, crewmen dying," he said, she wasn't particularly paying any attention.

"You're so tired, darling. Just rest now," she said tilting his head backwards in order to feed him the pills.

Uhura's voice called overhead, "Medical department alert. Doctors and medics acknowledge."

McCoy attempted to sit up and ask what was the matter, then to go and do his job. But Crater had different ideas.

She reassured, "It's nothing, dear, it's nothing. You just sleep. Nancy will take care of everything."

He was out like a light.

Uhura insisted, "Dr. McCoy to the Bridge. Dr. McCoy to the Bridge," then Crater changed to McCoy. A smirk glittered the 'doctor's' face. "Dr. McCoy to the Bridge."

**:: ::**

**:: ::**

_Captain's log, additional. I'm retouching the topic about the creature, when it... um approached me as Mister Spock, I felt compelled, almost paralyzed to stay where I was. Thankfully, it's second hand didn't touch my face otherwise I would've been. But I need to know how to counteract it and the answers lie with old Crater Face. It seemed today is the day that bitches are gonna die._

I stood in the dessert alongside my first officer, the correct one, I knew for a fact because I didn't let him out of my sight. It may be creepy, but it needed to be done in this situation. Plus, he didn't have feelings, so he wouldn't be creeped out. All was good in the hood.

"Crater Face! Are you there?"

"Go away! We don't want you here."

"We? Please tell me if you do have multiple personality disorder, make sure the other one is a sexist asshole, 'kay? Can you do that for me?"

I laughed to myself as Spock quirked an eyebrow. It was his usual reaction to my strangeness, I was used to it and plus it didn't bother me one bit.

"I'm armed. Go away."

"Where's your wife?!"

"She's no concern of yours!"

Goddamn, he was so fucking annoying! But I couldn't strangle him 'till passed out simply because it was morally incorrect and we needed information from him.

The com beeped in, "Kirk here," I answered.

"Casualty, Captain. Barnhart was found dead on deck nine, same symptoms," Sulu said.

My first officer came behind me and I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand. I couldn't help but remember how Fake Spock touched me and how close he was.

"Spock cutting in, Captain. Something here, through the arches to your left."

"Stand by, Mister Sulu. Spock has something," I said placing the communicator against my shoulder.

"Green."

"He beamed up to the ship with us."

"Or something did. He could be the one that brought the life form aboard."

That explained how that thing got onto my ship, but what I needed to know was how to snuff it out. That was what I needed Crater Face for.

"Enterprise from Kirk," I said into the communicator.

"Bridge, Sulu. Still on intruder lock down."

"Keep on the look out for Green, alright?"

"Yes ma'am."

I hung up my communicator with a simple flick of my wrist and stuffed it down in my boot like before. I looked over to Spock to see if he had an opinion on the matter at hand.

"Crater knows the creature. If we could take him alive."

"It's as if you read my mind, Mister Spock."

Suddenly, I felt my first officer grab me and pull my down on my stomach along with him. It knocked the wind out of me. I was about to ask him what was wrong with him. But then a phaser went off, it would have hit me in the back if it weren't for Spock.

"Thanks," I whispered since I was still regaining my breath.

"We don't want you here! We're happy alone! I'll kill to stay alone. You hear that, you little cunt? Or you'll have to kill me. I don't care either way."

Cunt?! I was about to get up and bash his skull in. I got on my hands and knees, but I felt strong Vulcan hands pull me back down which in turn bothered me even more.

"Captain, it is highly illogical to succumb to his provocations," he said before he released my shoulders, seeing that I wouldn't attack the man recklessly for that anymore.

"Set your phaser on one quarter. I'll leave mine on stun."

"Why risk your life for his?

"I just figured it out he's not trying to kill us, he's trying to frighten us, and he's doing a pretty good job considering how he insulted me and almost shot me."

I clocked my phaser and set it to stun and heard Spock set his the way I asked. I was about to crawl around and sneak behind a rock, however he got my attention.

"What I fail to comprehend is why you have brought me out her, Captain. Would you inform me?"

I began to explain, "Earlier before you called me to the bridge I came across you. Well, another you, actually more like a fake you, no maybe it—"

"Your point?"

"Sorry," I let out a short laugh. "The point is it wasn't you and that was why I had to keep at my side so that I wouldn't kill the wrong one. Plus, I need some back up when getting Crater Face because I knew he'd be a bitch and a half to get for information. So, yeah," I patted him on the shoulder in a friendly manner with a smile before I started to sneak behind the rock. "Let's go."

Soon we were at opposite directions of two large rocks that Old Crater Face was in between. Our plan was clear on how we were going to jump that sick son of a bitch.

"Set," I whispered into the communicator.

"Acknowledged," he said in the same hushed tone. Then he yelled loudly to distract the sexist pig. "Crater!"

I came out from behind the rock. Then I aimed and fired. The beam shot out a red light and hit Crater Face directly in the chest. I smirked and placed the tip of the phaser below my lips and blew the smoke away from the tip.

"This planet ain't big enough fer da two of us," I said in my best old western interpretation.

One of Spock's brows rose at my laughing face as he steadied the bastard.

"I do not understand that reference," he said simply.

"Of course you don't," I sighed. Then I addressed the jack ass. "Your wife, where is she?"

"She was the last of her kind."

"The last of her kind? You know humans, we're kind of a planetary epidemic," I shrugged.

It was true. There was a lot of us on Earth, over seven or eight billion by now. I just wished people laughed at my attempts at jokes. All I got from Spock and Crater Face was a quirked eyebrow and a scoff of annoyance. You could probably guess which belonged to which.

"No, you dumb broad, the last of its kind," for that I flicked him on the arm to which he didn't feel since he was recently stunned. "Earth history, remember? Like the passenger pigeon or buffalo. Ooh! I feel strange."

"You'll be able to think in a minute, you just got your ass stunned."

Spock decided to ignore my comment, "The Earth buffalo. What about it?"

Sometimes I hated it when he did that.

"Once there were millions of them prairies black with them. One herd covered three whole states, and when they moved they were like thunder."

"And now they're gone. Is that what you mean?"

"Like the creatures here. Once there were millions of them, now there's one left. Nancy understood."

"Always in the past tense," Spock noted.

That begged the question of why I came. Enough with the damn buffalo metaphor.

"Where's your wife? Where is she now?"

"Dead. Buried up on the hill. It killed her."

"When?"

"Oh, a year, or was it two?"

I swallowed. Uh-oh, that confirmed that everyone was in danger on my ship. Without a second thought I flicked open my communicator.

"Kirk to Enterprise."

"Bridge to Captain. Sulu here."

I said quickly, "The intruder aboard the Enterprise can assume the shape of anyone, keep a particular eye out for Nancy. Do you understand?"

"Affirmative, Captain."

"Go to GQ four and hurry."

I couldn't stop the panic rising in my throat making me incredibly worried for my crew and the Enterprise itself.

"General quarters four, Captain."

"The creature was trying to survive. It has that right, doesn't it?"

Not when it was killing my people and causing others to die.

"Kirk to transporter room. Three to beam up."

"They needed salt to stay alive, there was no more salt. It's the last one. The buffalo, there is no difference," he continued on."

"There's one, you goddamn dumbass, your creature is killing my people," I hissed as him.

_Captain's log, continuing. The Enterprise has been invaded by a creature capable of assuming any form, and with the capacity to paralyze and kill any one of us for salt._

I laid on the opposite side of the bed, legs propped up on the headboard. My mind was swimming, my thoughts were jumbled. My ship is in danger and there was nothing I could do. It didn't look like Mister Spock any longer that was for sure, so what I could do? I had to do something.

"Captain Kirk to dispensary. Captain Kirk to dispensary."

I rushed down there to discover my first officer was in Sickbay and on the bed. There were several cuts and bruises on his temple.

"It wasn't McCoy, it was the creature. It hit me, Crater grabbed my phaser. I wondered about McCoy, doubt had crossed my mind."

Rand, my personal yeoman, said, "Captain. Professor Crater."

"Dead," then I turned to Spock and grasped his hand for his attention, much to his disgruntle. "But it had you, too."

"Captain, it is inappropriate for you to hold my hand in such a manner," he said. I let go and apologized sarcastically, not that he noticed. Then he began again. "Fortunately, my ancestors spawned in another ocean than yours did. My blood cells are quite different."

Soon I stood before my longest friend's door without hesitating in kicking it in. My small boot clad foot went right through the door, breaking it off its hinges. Both Bones and Nancy jumped in fear from my entrance.

"Move your ass over, Bones."

"What's going on here, Jamie?"

"She's not Nancy, Bones," I told him simply, "Now do as I say and move your ass over."

I drew my phaser and pointed it in their direction. I wouldn't dare hit my best friend, but that monster he was protecting had to go. There was no other alternative.

"Are you insane?!"

"It killed four crewmen and now Crater. It kills, it needs salt to live. Now if you would realize that there is other pussy to be had in this world, you would move aside, Bones."

"No!"

Without a second thought I pulled out a few salt tablets, hoping this would suade him that his beloved bitch was a phony.

"My guess is she needs more. You want it, Nancy? Come and get it," I smirked the smirk that usually got many men to fall right in my trap or that convinced others.

"You're frightening her, Jamie."

"Don't be an even bigger idiot than you already fucking are. That isn't fright, it's hunger. Look at her!"

The hand that didn't hold my phaser, clenched in anger. Why in the fuck didn't he trust me?!

"Leonard, if you love me, make her go away," she tried.

I hate bitches like her that think that their man will save them simply because they had them wrapped around their finger. No. I wasn't like that, I saved myself and I fought my own battles.

Without a second thought I used my free hand to backhand him with the back of my fist. Bones groaned in pain and clenched his eye in pain. He collapsed to the floor and I drew my phaser at the stupid creature.

"It's about damn time I fini—"

Then everything felt like it froze. I couldn't move, all I could do was watch as Nancy approached me. I tried to move, but I couldn't as my only weapon was knocked from my hand. I couldn't see where it slid to….

I heard the doors slide open, "It's killing the Captain. Shoot it, Doctor, quickly!"

"No! No!"

I watched as they struggled for the phaser from the corner of my eye as I felt finger tips ghost my face, almost touching. I could feel my heart racing from the adrenaline and fear.

Suddenly, I felt a hot and large hand push me right on my stomach, causing my back to crash painfully into a corner. The breath is knocked out of me, causing me to inhale and exhale sharply. Dammit, Spock that hurt!

"It's killing the captain! Shoot, quick!" I saw him say, staying in between me and that monster.

Was he really that concerned for my safety?

"I won't shoot Nancy."

"This is not Nancy," he said, then I watched him punch her repeatedly across her face. "If she were Nancy, could she take this?"

Valid point. I hoped that Bones would realize it and kill this bitch. It was either me or her.

"Stop it! Stop it, Spock! Stop it!" McCoy shouted.

Nancy sent Spock flying with one slap, crashing into a dresser.

"Is that Nancy, Doctor?" Spock said sounding breathless.

"No," he said, finally sounding like he got his head out of his ass. Then my eyes noticed how she approached me again. "No!"

My eyes saw that thing in its natural state. The only word that came to mind was 'ew.' I tried my best to squirm and get out from its reach. I wanted to kick its ass and then Bones, but I felt two hands grasp daintily touch my face and then grasp it hard. Pain erupted everywhere, I screamed loudly.

Suddenly, a phaser fired, hitting the creature and causing it turn back into Nancy.

She began to beg like a dog, "Leonard. Leonard, no. Leonard, please."

"Lord, forgive me."

He fired again and she died. Then I felt like my limbs could finally move, my body slumped. Damn it felt like I was released from shackles and finally freed. I would've sat there longer if I didn't feel Spock's hands grasp my arm and pull me up.

I nodded in thanks as he let me go.

I walked over to one of my best friends in the whole universe. I placed a hand on his shoulder and he shrugged it off. I could understand his anger, but I wasn't going to accept it. I turned his shoulder and hugged him tightly around the neck.

"I'm sorry, Bones," I whispered.

Eventually I felt his arms hug me tightly to him by my waist. An odd sigh escaped my lips when I felt his face bury itself in the crook of my neck; I could've sworn I heard him sobbing softly. I looked up and saw Spock look uncomfortable and unsure what to do with himself. I gave him a smile, trying to reassure him.

"Ready to leave orbit, Captain," Sulu said.

I was sitting in the captain's chair with one of my legs crossed and my hands folded across my knees. Everything seemed to be back to normal and thankfully Bones wasn't quite the emotional wreck I thought he was going to be. It seemed he got his shit together.

"Something wrong, Captain?" A deep familiar voice brought me out of my thoughts.

"Nothing in particular, Mister Spock, just thinking. Warp one, Mister Sulu," I said leaning over to tell him.

"Warp one, ma'am. Leaving orbit."

Well, another adventure awaited us and I couldn't wait. I loved adventure and danger, it was apart of who I am. I just hoped it didn't endanger my crew this time. I didn't think I could forgive myself if it happened again. But nonetheless I had the help of my friends and that was good enough for me. Time to not fuck shit up.

**Author's Note: I hope all of you enjoyed the first chapter. It took a long time to complete this. Please review 'cause I'm not sure whether or not to continue with this or not. The links are right beside the little box to submit reviews. :—D**


	2. Psychotic Psychic

**Guest: Thanks for the review and it's pretty obvious Kirk and Spock are going to get together. :—)**

**|Chapter Two — Psychotic Psychic|**

_Captain's Log, star date 1533.6. Now maneuvering to come alongside cargo vessel Antares. Its Captain and First officer are beaming over to us with an unusual passenger. I can't wait to meet them; I just hope things continue to go smoothly._

I walked down the corridor swiftly, trying to hurry my ass up since I was rather late. Ever had one side of your hair that just refused to curl? Yeah, that was my life, so I just put it all over one shoulder. Problem solved.

"All right, Chief, begin materialization," I told him. It happened so I greeted my fellow captain. "Captain Ramart, I'm Captain Kirk."

Instead of shaking my hand like I originally intended he flipped the back of my hand up towards him before kissing it. It surprised me for a moment and my first instinct was to pull away. But I curved it because I could deal with a one time dated thing and not ruin a first impression. I mean I was only going to deal with this man for a short time anyway. I could deal.

"This is my navigator Tom Nellis," Ramart said.

"Hello."

Nellis said, "How do you do?" giving me a smile that I knew he wouldn't give his captain.

"And this is our young castaway Charlie, Charlie Evans. His dossier."

I saw where he gestured. There stood a young blonde boy who looked fascinated, confused, and intrigued all in one instance as he looked at me. I was a little taken aback at first before correcting myself. Psh, that was probably nothing.

"Uh, Charlie, we've heard a great deal about you. Welcome aboard," I tried a smile.

"Are you a girl?"

I tried to keep it in, I really did. But I couldn't. A snicker escaped my lips as I put my hands over my mouth to try and cover it up. Am I girl? Well hell yeah, I'm a girl. What gave it away my tits, my face, or my dress?

I looked over as I attempted to stop my giggling. I saw that Ramart and Nellis were worried. Worried about what? I was just laughing at Captain Obvious pointing out my gender.

I turned back to the kid figuring I owed him an explanation. He looked rather upset.

"Stop it. Stop laughing at me!" he said childishly.

I told him through a gasp of breath, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh like that." I paused, straightening up and saying. "Yes, I'm a girl."

His attitude went back to normal, so I turned around. Suddenly, Ramart and Nellis' entire demeanor changed.

"Wonderful boy, Charlie. Its been an honor having him aboard."

"Why, it's been a great pleasure. The things that he's learned in the last—"

"Absolutely. To think this boy spent practically his whole life alone on that planet. Everyone killed, just a few micro-tapes to learn from."

Hmm, I must have sensed the mood incorrectly. Or they just realized that what they truly thought was shining through and covered it up. One or the other.

Charlie interrupted, "How many humans like me on this ship?"

Ramart continued to kiss ass, "Like a whole city in space, Charlie. Over four hundred in the crew of a starship, aren't there, Captain?"

I supplied, "Four hundred and twenty-eight, to be exact." Then I changed the subject into one of importance. "Is there anything we can do for you, Captain? Medical supplies, provisions?"

The kid interrupted me again, "Hundreds. All human, like me. That's exciting. Is that the right word?"

Nellis kissed ass too, "That's perfect. It's the exact word."

Why were they kissing his ass? They weren't looking to gain anything from the kid were they? Whatever. Hope Evans understood I wouldn't be doing that.

"You see. We'd like to keep Charlie with us, but with his closest living relatives on Colony Five and your vessel going that way, why—"

The kid interrupted once more, "I'd like to see your ship now. All of it. The people and everything."

"You keep interrupting, Charlie. That's considered wrong," I told him giving him so much shade with just one look.

He said sheepishly, "I'm sorry."

I turned back to the captain and his crewman wishing to continue without any further interruptions.

"We have a large supply of entertainment tapes, gentlemen," I said, placing a hand on my hip.

"No, we've a tight schedule to make, Captain. Just twenty of us, we're making out fine."

"This must be a space first. A transport ship that doesn't need anything?" I said curiously.

He smiled cheekily, "Nothing."

I teased back, "Not even Sarian brandy?"

"We're fine, thank you. Pleasant journey, Captain," I didn't like the fact that he winked at me. There was a time and a place when you flirt and it wasn't the work place. No sirry.

"Thank you."

The pair were beamed off. I turned back around to face the doorway out of the transport room. Yeoman Rand finally arrived.

I introduced the two, "Yeoman Rand, this is Charles Evans. Show him to his quarters and drop his records off at Doctor McCoy's office, if you will."

She nodded, "Yes ma'am. Come with me, please."

Charlie looked back and forth between us. I was confused as to why he was. What was there to see? We're just two blonde women standing in front of him.

"Are you a girl?" he asked Janice. Then he looked at me, "Are you both girls?"

_Captain's Log, star date 1533.7. We have taken aboard an unusual passenger for transport to Colony Alpha Five. Charles Evans, the sole survivor of a transport crash fourteen years ago. The child, alone from age three, has not only survived, but has grown to intelligent, healthy adolescence. Impressive as it is there's been… a few complications._

McCoy talked as he continued his check-up on Charlie. He had some questions for the boy. Who wouldn't?

"Tell me. The ship's supply of food concentrates couldn't have lasted fourteen years."

Charlie sat up, "After that I found other things to eat, just growing around."

"And you learned to talk by just listening to the ship's tapes?" he sounded disbelieving.

Who could blame him for that either?

"The memory banks still worked. They talked to me, and I talked back."

"You're four-oh," McCoy said looking at the machines and the sheets.

Charlie didn't understand, "Four?"

"Four-oh. One hundred percent. Sound of wind and limb."

McCoy smiled at him. He didn't get one in return since Charlie's mind was too preoccupied in his meeting with the Captain, the first girl he'd ever seen. Being seventeen didn't help it.

"That, that Captain. Kirk?" he said curiously.

"Yeah."

Charlie said uncomfortably, "She's not, well, she isn't like Captain Ramart."

McCoy looked somewhat wistful as he recalled his friendship with his eccentric long time friend who couldn't be replaced if someone tried.

"Well, no. Captain Kirk is one of a kind, Charlie."

He was straight forward, "Do you like me?"

"Why not?" he said, trying to get through the awkwardness Charlie caused.

"Some, the other ship, they didn't like me. I tried. I'm trying to make people like me. I want them to like me."

McCoy felt somewhat sympathetic for the unfortunate previously isolated teen.

"Most seventeen year olds do. Come on, let's go. I'll show you to your quarters."

Chairline got tired of waiting and emerged from McCoy's office. It was like a paradise for him, walking around and observing people and how they interact. He came across two crewmen working on something, a tunnel-like item he had no idea what it was. He watched curiously….

"Hey, I'll put the equipment away. See you in the rec room, huh?"

"You got a deal, friend," he slapped the man on his bottom casually before leaving.

"All right," then he addressed Charlie. "Hello."

Charlie felt he learned a great new tip on how to interact with friends. It'll help him to get people to like him, he was sure of it.

**X**

I rounded the corner and stopped short with a little jolt. It seemed Charlie was in my way. I was about to walk past him casually, be on my way and such, but he addressed me. Well, I guess he wanted to talk; I didn't have time for this.

"I brought you a present," he said handing me a bottle of perfume.

Whoa. The fuck? Why did he give me a bottle of perfume? If he was grateful for my hospitality by letting him board my ship then he got the wrong kind of gift. Perfume was typically what a boyfriend gave a girlfriend and some cases the other way around. But, then again he might not know that, the poor boy hadn't really interacted with many people. Especially not a girl, like myself.

I blinked at him in surprise, "Oh, uh, thank you. I really appreciate it, but, but I have to go. I'm on duty."

I wanted to pull away, but he kept talking. I wanted to tell him to get off my dick, but he wasn't one of my crew members and was so socially inept I didn't want a ticking time bomb to finally go off in the form of tears and screaming. This was why I didn't deal with kids….

"Do you like that kind?" he asked hopefully.

"Yes, it's my favorite," I said with a smile. I looked at the specific scent for it. Mmm, lemon seduction. "They don't sell these at the ship's store. Where did you get it?"

He said simply, "It's a present."

"I know, but where did…?" I trailed off getting a strange feeling. I tried to think of a way to get out of talking to him without straight up telling him to get away from me. After all my sympathies went out to this kid. "Gee, I'm late, Charlie. I really have to go."

I began to walk, but his little hands grasped my arm to prevent me from going.

"Can't you stay and talk a little while?"

I pulled my arm free. I couldn't help but sympathize with him, all he wanted was a friend. I understood that. I guess I could compromise… if I had to.

"Look, I'm off duty at fifteen hundred. Why don't you join me and Spock in recreation room five, deck two."

He looked a little put off by the aspect of Spock hanging out with us. Well, to his credit Spock did sometimes act like somebody shoved a stick up his ass and asked him to act normal or said 'here, swallow this lemon, but don't say _anything_'. But Spock was one of my best friends and I accepted his quirks and personality traits as they were.

"You got a deal, friend," Charlie said brightly none the less.

For a moment I smiled, I finally get some time away from him and the ability to get to my ship and be all 'captain-y'. But that happiness went away in the next moment when I felt a hand slap my ass.

Whoa! What the fuck?

"Charlie!" I roared down the hall turning toward him.

There was damn thing I didn't deal with, sexual harassment. I could deal with a kiss on the back of my hand, but some little seventeen year old kid slapping my ass… oh hell no! Fuck _that_ shit.

He walked back looking distraught, "I thought — don't be angry. I didn't, I wanted."

I cut in, "Charlie, there are things you can do with boys and things you can do with girls. Unless I scored a touchdown on our flag football team do not slap my ass. Please."

"Don't be angry."

I sighed longly, running a hand down my face. Poor boy still didn't understand and I didn't have time for this. Well, there was an easy fix for this where I could explain without yelling at him and get to my duties without being held up even more.

"Look," I began. "Why don't we talk about this when we see each other again in the rec room, okay?"

"Okay."

Soon I got on the bridge and was able to sit on my captain's chair casually, my legs draped across one arm and my back resting on the other. My two friends were arguing over how Charlie survived as a kid. I swear, these two were like a fucking married couple except without the sex, so they never had the opportunity to release the tension.

Mmm… Spock and Bones sex… no stop it Jamie! Focus!

"But tell me, what reason would he have to lie if there are Thasians?"

Pointy ears….

"That is a very intriguing question. Scanners show no disturbances in this quadrant, Captain."

Huh? Oh yes, uh, it seemed Spock was speaking to me. Right okay? Pretend I heard ever word of their tired stupid ass argument about things that really didn't matter at this point. Fake 'till I make it to dat dick, except I wasn't anyone's… right now.

"Good. Bones, Spock is working out—"

Thankfully Uhura's timing was impeccable, "Excuse me, Captain. Status report."

"Thanks. He's working out a training program for Charlie Evans. Earth history, his own background, that sort of thing. I'd like you to give him the necessary medical orientation on the problems of, um, er, adolescence… you know when the big boy hair starts to grow."

Most of the crew looked uncomfortable. Whatever. They knew my personality… no filter and I didn't mean that stupid ass papery thing you use to keep your coffee from getting lumpy and gross. Fuck _that_ shit.

I swear 'dick' and 'fuck that shot' had become my favorite phrase. Haha, gross.

Bones said, "Well, don't you think it'd be better for a strong mother image like you? He already looks up to you, Jamie."

Yeah, slapping my ass and all was definitely what you did to someone you looked up to. If I did that to all the people I looked up to I couldn't even count how many ways that would go wrong.

"Oh hell no, I am _not_ discussing the birds and the bees with a seventeen year old boy," I told him straight up, giving him a piercing look. "The job is yours Bones. Don't try to weasel your way out of it."

Spock changed the subject to one he found more intriguing, "Doctor, didn't the boy make any reference at all to Thasians?"

"Spock, do you think the legend that Thasians still exist on that planet in some form. 'Cause Bones here thinks it's a crock of crap."

After a pause he answered, "Charlie's very existence proves in fact there must be some intelligent form of life on Thasus. He could not possibly have survived alone. The ship's food concentrates would have been exhausted in a year or so."

Again the boys argue, "By which time he would have been eating fruits, vegetables." Bones said.

I ran a hand down my face, careful not to smudge my make-up that I put on the night before for fear of running out of time. These two were _impossible_.

"Probes of Thasus indicate very little edible plant life," Spock said.

"And probes have been known to be wrong, Spock."

Spock said with his arms crossed and his eyebrow arched, "Doctor, are you speaking scientifically or emotionally?"

I had enough of this tired subject and their ridiculous arguing.

"Gentlemen, the fact is the boy is here and he's alive and he needs our help. That's the point, so stop arguing over the same tired subject," I said putting my hands up, figuratively separating them.

Bones said, "And he needs a guide and he needs a mother image, Jamie."

Is it bad that every time I hear the word 'mother' referring to me made me cringe on the inside? Yeah, that was _bad_.

"Hmm. I'll depend on your astute abilities to supply him with that, or find him one," I said trying to smile genuinely.

**X**

Like I said I would be, I was in rec room just enjoying myself. Normally, I wouldn't interact with my crew like this. I didn't want my authority and sense of control and captain-y blah blah to go dwindling down to nothing. But none the less I was having a pleasant conversation with Uhura as Spock strummed his lyre.

"You know people look back on Fifty Shades of Grey and laugh… and I don't blame them. But you have to admit that they did one thing to justice," I said while eating some unsalted peanuts.

Uhura looked disbelieving and I didn't blame her, "What could that possibly be?"

"The guy… Christian, he always asked Anastasia for permission before they'd get super freaky and… that's super impor…."

I trailed off when Uhura started humming. Then Spock stopped playing.

"I'm sorry. I did it again, didn't I?" she said insincerely.

Spock smirked and began playing again.

"Oh, on the starship Enterprise  
>There's someone who's in Satan's guise<br>Whose devil ears and devil eyes  
>Could rip your heart from you. At first, his look could hypnotise<br>And then his touch would barbarize  
>His alien love could victimize<p>

And rip your heart from you. And that's why female astronauts,  
>Oh, very female astronauts<br>Wait terrified and overwrought

To find what he will do.  
>Oh, girls in space, be wary, be wary, be wary,<br>Girls in space, be wary.  
>We know not what he'll do."<p>

I cheered, "One more time!"

"Now from a planet out in space,  
>there comes a lad, not commonplace.<br>A-seeking out his first embrace.

He's saving it for you.  
>Oh, Charlie's our new darling, our darling, our darling. Charlie's our new darling.<br>We know not what he'll do."

I could feel my cheeks heating up in embarrassment since I had a large inkling that the 'you' Charlie's saving for was me. I was just glad she was done singing, preparing to leave the premise and not spoil anyone else's fun. But I was stopped by none other than the subject of the song.

"Want to see something?" He sat and laid three cards face down. "Turn them over."

I did and they had pictures of me on them. I was more fascinated at how those playing cards suddenly had pictures of me than how creeped out I was over this.

I asked, "How did you do that?"

"Oh, I can do a lot of card tricks. One of the men on the Antares showed me."

I watched the cards return to normal, surprising me further.

"Wow, this is pretty spectacular!" I said.

From the corner of my eye I saw Spock leave with his lyre and Uhura go before him. I wanted to gesture him over as I nodded my head over to Charlie excitedly, but there was something in his eyes that prevented me from doing so. Whatever. I'll just enjoy myself with Charlie and the rest of the rec room.

I looked over back to Charlie, my smile returning. He laid out the aces, threw one over his shoulder. Then suddenly, I felt something brush my nipple, poking my boobs and my bra. I fished out the card from the collar of my dress. Little pervert.

None the less I clapped with everyone deciding that it was no big deal for now. But what was a big deal was the fact that these weren't ordinary card tricks and I couldn't put my finger on what it was causing this.

**X**

I was speaking to a helmsmen, "On Earth today, it's Thanksgiving. If the crew has to eat synthetic meat loaf, I want it to look like turkey." He left. Then my eyes set upon none other than, "Charlie."

"Jamie?" he began. Don't get mad. He's not apart of your crew. Not apart of your crew, not apart of your crew, not apart of your crew. "You were supposed to explain to me something, but you didn't in the recreational room."

I let out a long, "Ohhh, yeah. I was supposed to talk to you about slapping my ass." Then I straightened up, recovering from my stupefiny. "Alright, Charlie, it's kind of confusing. In, um, human culture you're not supposed to slap girls. Ever. Even if it's just the butt, it ain't okay. But weirdly enough you can hit a guy all you want and you wouldn't be considering a monster. WAIT, wait. That doesn't mean you can just go around attacking people like a fucking maniac on PCP either…. Okay, basically what I'm trying to say is don't hit people at all… expect guys occasionally. Does that make sense?"

"I don't know."

Oh dammit, this was one of the reason I was glad I wasn't going to have kids. Not that I got my tubes tied or anything or donated my eggs to science, it was just that I was super careful with protection and refused to have little ones. I'd screw them up and plus the idea just didn't interest me.

Suddenly I heard Uhura over the com, "Captain Kirk."

"Excuse me," I skirted around Charlie and pressed the button. "Kirk here."

"Captain Ramart of the Antares is on D-channel."

"I'm on my way to the bridge now."

I began to walk away, but yet again this kid interrupted me with another question.

"Can I come with you?"

I felt kind of awkward but I told him what I thought on the topic, "I don't think so, Charlie."

He pleaded, "I won't get in the way."

I didn't have time for this, "Fine."

After taking the turbolift, I walked onto the bridge with Charlie trailing behind me all the while. I heard Uhura trying to communicate with the Antares. I quickly divided the space between me and the communications console.

"Can you boost your power, Antares? We're barely reading your transmission."

"We're at full output, Enterprise. I must speak to Captain Kirk."

"Kirk here, Captain Ramart."

"Captain, we're just barely in range. I've got to warn—"

They cut out. It was already difficult enough to hear them with the way the static Frits and bleep in and out. But now it was complete static white noise. Dammit!

I looked to Uhura, "Re-establish contact."

She fiddled around with it, "They're not transmitting."

"Don't give up, alright?"

I moved across the bridge, walking over to Spock. I bumped past Charlie not feeling very sorry since the boy said he wasn't going to get my way.

"Oof," he exclaimed. Then he said rather sheepishly. "It wasn't very well constructed."

Ignored him as I addressed Spock, "Sweep the area of the Antares transmission with our probe scanners, Spock. Thanks a bunch."

I breezed past him as he sat down at his station. The next person I spoke to rather quickly was Charlie.

"Charlie, are you keeping something from us?" My hands were on my hips as I tried to catch his eye.

"I, uh, I don't know. No!"

He spoke _way_ too quickly for me to believe him, but before I could question him further Spock got my attention.

"Picking up some debris on our scanners, Captain."

I faced Spock, "What about the Antares?"

Straight forward he said it, "The debris is what's left of the Antares."

I couldn't hold it back I let out a long, "Dammmnnn."

There was a pause as I sank into my seat. This was weird, a starship just didn't implode. So what the hell? And before I could contemplate this further my thoughts were interrupted.

"Captain Kirk from ship's Galley."

"Kirk here."

"I put meat loaf in the ovens. There's turkeys in there now. Real turkeys."

I couldn't help this either, "What the damn hell?"

Immediately, I heard maniacal giggling from none other than Charlie fucking Evans as he trotted out. Suspicious….

_Captain's Log, star date 1535.8. UESPA headquarters notified of the mysterious loss of science probe vessel Antares. I and the rest of my crew were getting rather anxious. I sure hope nobody else implodes…._

I had my head in my hand, smashing my face into an unattractive state. I probably had what school teachers called the 'deeeerrrrp face,' the face that basically said the student, or anyone really, you were completely zoned out and on autopilot thinking about something super hard or nothing at all.

"Your mind is not on the game, Captain. Check," Spock's monotonous voice broke through my thoughts. "The Antares?"

It was weird it was like he could read my mind. What the dick? He wasn't touching me. Let it go, he ain't touching.

"Yeah… I don't get it. A survey ship with twenty men aboard lost. No reason whatsoever. Obviously, Captain Ramart was not aware of any danger. I can't figure it out and I'm slowly going crazy," I said rubbing my temples.

"My own concern is more immediate. The boy."

So many jokes. So many. So many when Spock wanted to talk about a seventeen year old boy in that particular wording. Which to choose…?

"Far too young for you. Can someone say 'jail bait'," I deadpanned and Spock looked at me with an arched brow and widened eyes. I gave a small laugh at the expression. "Context. You have to specify Spock."

He coughed softly, "I meant he seemed to know what happened to the Antares before we did."

Charlie causing that? That was pretty…. Sure he could get a hold of expensive perfume (most likely from the Anteres before boarding my ship), do some outrageous card tricks, and seemed to know before hand. But it seemed to far fetched!

"I'd call it a pretty long reach for evidence, Spock. You might want to get some more before locking him away and throwing the key," I said. Then I turned slightly to say to our unwarranted guest. "Come in, Charlie."

"And again, check," he placed a pawn on a different square.

I said happily, "Checkmate."

"Your illogical approach to chess does have its advantages on occasion, Captain."

"I prefer to call it fun-tastically creative."

"As you wish," he said in that usual dismissive voice of his when I said things he deemed 'illogical'. "At any rate, the game is yours." he said.

I turned to Charlie at my side who was watching me with an annoyingly close eye. But I reminded myself that he was just a kid. A naïve, socially inexperienced kid that needed to be around a girl his own age.

"You play chess, Charlie?"

"Oh, I, I watched them play on the Antares," he said. His voice turned chipper. "Can I try?"

"I place you in the hands of our chess master," I said.

I got up and left, planning to find Charlie a girl he could find for his own. I walked across the halls to another recreational room. I entered and looked around. Then my eyes scanned across the tables and then a certain young, blonde head came into my sights. I smiled before approaching her sitting in her chair.

"Excuse me, Tina, can we talk outside?"

"Oh, um," she looked at me with surprise. "Yes Captain."

We exited the rec room. She looked curious and I realized she was waiting for me to speak. Oh!

"I've got a proposition for you," I said slyly.

"What kind of proposition?" she asked, starting to look a little suspicious.

I smiled, "You broke up with Steve right? The guy with the funny mustache that I always feel the urge to pet?"

"Uh… yes, ma'am."

I hoped she understood what I was trying to get at.

"And as flattering as that is Captain I—"

She didn't understand what I was getting at. Stupid bitch!

"Alright, alright," I said quickly, putting my hand up. "That ain't what I meant. You know I don't swing that way. I meant, I wanted to set you up with someone… else. A male someone else."

She brightened up. The confusion, and skepticism were gone. It seemed that I was correct in assuming she was craving a new beau. _Excellent~_

"I would love to. What's he like?" she asked excitedly.

Where to begin? How do I butter up this kid without a total creeper? Uh, first thing that came to mind. That always worked _horribly_. Butt… fuck it.

"Uh, he's got a cute personality. A little hard to deal with a time's, but will shower you with gifts," I said. "Do you want to meet him?"

She nodded encouragingly. Great! So I gestured with a hand to follow me back to the other rec room to meet Charlie so that he might leave me alone and both Tina and him could be happy together. Fucking winning, if that happened.

"Oh, Charlie," I flagged him down. He came up to me. "I was looking for you. I'd like you to meet Tina Lawton, Yeoman Third Class. Charlie Evans." I said.

Tina said in a friendly tone, "Hello, Charlie."

"I thought you might enjoy meeting someone your own age."

I smiled at them, looking between them. Wait, why wasn't he looking at Tina? She was pretty, wasn't she? She had a nice face. So what the hell was wrong with him?

"Can I talk to you? Alone," he said.

I said, "Charlie, Tina's—"

"Excuse me. I must be wanted somewhere," she said giving him so much shade with one look before completely leaving.

Holy dick! What the damn hell's wrong with this kid?! Oh I was going to give him a piece of my mind, oh hell yeah.

I turned on him, "What the fuck's the matter with you?!" I smacked him on his chest.

And he pulled off that confused innocent look _well_.

"But I don't need her. I want to talk to you."

My eyes widened in annoyance and upset, "That's no excuse. She's a lady! That means there's certain rules you've got to follow and if you don't you're going to be single and alone for the rest of your life.

"But she's not as— she doesn't— she's not the same. Not like you. She's, she's just a girl. You're, you smell like a girl. All the other girls on the ship they, they look just like Tina. You're the only one who looks like you. You can understand, can't you?

You know about being with somebody? Wanting to be? If I had the whole universe I'd give it to you. When I see you, I feel like I'm hungry all over. Hungry. Do you know how that feels?"

OH FUCK ME! Not like that. Gross, that's illegal and morally incorrect. No. Fuck me as in I was screwed. Not in the good way. Holy shit on a cracker jack that meant I'd have to reject him, tell him to leave me alone, and be a total fucking bitch about it.

This was why I didn't do break ups or rejections. You'd think I'd be good at it considering how many people I ensnare and my inevitable departure that I'd have to make. That was key element: I didn't have to say goodbye. I just left.

But not in this situation.

"Charlie," I began.

Suddenly, I was interrupted by my comm. Sweet success! I answered it.

"Hello… yes, Spock, I'll be right there," then I pressed my comm to my chest when I addressed Charlie, who by the way still looked _hungry_, "Sorry Charlie, I've got to go."

Then I walked quickly over to the turbolift and pressed the correct buttons to get me to the level Spock's quarters were on. I leaned against the wall, scowling deeply. My thoughts were a jumbled up mess. I got a 'love' confession except without him actually saying it, the Anteres exploded without a reason, and meatloaf turned to turkey. What the fuck?

_Ding_.

I jumped slightly as the turbolift brought me to the bridge. I straightened up as I walked down the hall, heading towards Spock's quarters. I knocked on the door. It was answered almost immediately.

"Come in," he said.

I did. I then plumped down on his chair, careful not to bump my elbow on his lyre. Contrary to popular believe a funny bone is not a bone it's a nerve and it hurts like fuck; aka I didn't want that to happen to me.

"Captain," Spock's deep voice stirred me out of my stupor.

I looked up, "Huh?"

"I had an unusual encounter in the recreational room with Charlie when you departed. I proceeded to teach the boy how to play chess upon your request, but I was distracted by someone trying to gain my attention. So when I turned around to face him again my chess pieces were melted. Logically I inquired him as to what happened. He responded with hostility, referred to my ears in a derogatory manner, and then proceeded to turn the table over."

"Hot damn," I said under my breath.

I turned away, spinning the office-like chair around with a hand over my face from mild irritation. After a moment I turned back around. Spock arched a brow, obviously curious.

"What?" I asked.

Spock said, "Your behavior suggests that you are withholding information."

I couldn't hold back my smirk, "What gave me away?"

"Observing you."

I began to laugh loudly at that. He said it with such a straightforward cold face that it mad it hilarious. Unknown to him, the guy could be pretty funny without really trying just being his logical self. It hit me square in my giggle dick.

"Okay… okay, I'm sorry," I said putting a hand up and then said after a long deep sigh. "I wasn't sure I should tell you about this, whether or not this is relevant or not, but people become dangerous when they start feeling this way…. I think Charlie's in love with me."

His face remained passive. He blinked once, twice…. Well say something, dammit!

"Are you sure?"

"I've seen the look before, and you know what it's like being seventeen. You're all hormonal and everything's life or death. You're miserable for a whole summer and you have no idea why. It's… just… a," I began to wonder off because when I looked up my first officer looked somewhat incredulous. Oops. I guess Spock didn't know what human puberty was. After all it seemed that Vulcan genes were stronger than human's. "… mess. Okay, clearly you don't get it, whoopty-fucking-doo for you. Anyway, I just thought I'd let you know—"

Suddenly, the doors swished open.

Confused as hell, I looked over and saw none other than the subject of our whole discussion come waltzing in without knocking. Rude. What if this wasn't Spock's room and I was changing? Do you know how embarrassing that would be? No one needed to see my tities in the work place.

"I knew I'd find you in here with him," Charlie said sounding put out.

"Yes," I said deadpanning, "He's my first officer. Captains and first officers often talk… we're kind of known for that."

He still looked affronted, "In his personal quarters?!"

Tired of this bullshit drama, I stood. Towering over him actually.

"I don't have to explain myself to you," I said firmly. "What my first officer and I do in his personal quarters is none of your business." Then I realized how that sounded. Oh fuck me. "Plus you can't come barraging into a room without knocking."

Wow, what a way to close this argument up. Solid. Real top notch, Jamie.

"I'm sorry. Please don't be angry with me," he pleaded, giving an excellent example as to why I couldn't have children and discipline them properly. "I just… I just don't like— may I leave now?"

"That would not be wise," Spock said.

"Sit down Charlie," I said gesturing for him to sit in the chair I was sitting in previously. "You know, being seventeen is more than how many years you've lived. Doctor McCoy could probably explain the biological conditions. Well, let's, let's use a specific. I'm a woman."

"Oh, I won't hit you like that anymore."

My face scrunched up.

"Hit me like _that_? What? Are you going to hit me another way?"

He looked frightened at the concept of angering me. Most people did.

"No! No!" he paused before he said rather upset. "Everything I do or say is wrong. I'm in the way, I don't know the rules, and when I learn something and try to do it, suddenly I'm wrong!"

Spock attempted to placate him with logic, "Charlie, it is best if you take a few deep breaths to—"

"I don't know what I am or what I'm supposed to be, or even who. I don't know why I hurt so much inside all the time!"

Sounded like every other teenaged kid. God, you couldn't pay me to be seventeen again, so many hormones and crap running through your system making you insane before your body finally piped the fuck down.

I couldn't help the amused smile on my face, "You'll live, trust me. You'll settle down eventually. Right Spock?" I bumped him with my elbow with a smile.

He gave me a look that said 'you know I did not experience that, Captain, so don't ask'. I grinned widely at the look. It made me laugh quite a bit.

"Captain, I do not have previous experience with that particular adolescence," he said.

Charlie asked to both of us, "What if you care for someone? What do you do?"

"I am Vulcan, I do not possess feelings therefore I cannot tell you."

"Charlie, first if you have to find someone that's, you know, you've got things in common with. Because often times you end up in the batter's box trying to crush bombs into the stands, but you can't hit a fast ball. You're fucking swinging for the fences," I said all of this incredulously. "If you find someone you have a lot of things in common with I promise you… that milkshake will bring all the _girls_ to the yard."

Weirdest explanation ever. This was what happened when you didn't prepare for a speech, you get weird bullshit. Still proud of it.

"You don't think you could. You," his voice then rose as he stood up. "You could love me!"

I told him as nice as I could but still firm, "I'm not you're girl, Charlie. The years are wrong, for one thing, and there are other things."

"You can!"

"No, Charlie."

"You are!"

I got fed up, "NO! Charlie, there are a million things in this universe you can have and there are a million things you can't have. It's no fun facing that, but that's the way things are. Now deal with it!"

"Excuse me Captain, is there—"

In the middle of it all Sam, one of my red shirts, came in. He didn't just barge in here like Charlie did. No, instead he just happened to come by to where Charlie and me were having a fucking verbal fight. Oh fuck, such wrong timing.

Charlie rolled his eyes in the back of his head at Sam and in the next second he was gone. Just gone. What the fuck?! My reaction was immediate along with Spock.

"Charlie!" I shouted.

"He shouldn't have done that."

Spock asked, "What happened to him, Charlie?"

"He's gone."

Reflexively, I took a step in front of Spock. I wasn't about to have another crew member disappear on me. Even if I was about have his size I had to try something.

"That's no answer," I said fiercely with my arms crossed under my chest.

He said uncertainly, "He's gone! I didn't mean to do that. He made me do it! I… I was angry!"

Over the intercom a crewmen asked, "Bridge."

I walked over to the com and pressed the button to speak.

"Kirk here. Two men from security, on the double."

"Affirmative."

I said with a gesture of my head, "Spock, please restrain him."

"Yes Captain."

With his Vulcan strength he held Charlie's arms behind his back, keeping him there. Charlie looked reasonably panicked, but seriously this physic little shit pot went too far. I will _not_ have him make other disappear.

"What are you going to do to me?"

I told him, "I'm confining you to quarters. I want you to stay there."

He struggled underneath Spock's hold, "I'll make them go away, too. Including Mister Pointy!"

"No you won't and they won't hurt you, Charlie." Security arrived. "They'll take you to your quarters, Charlie. Go with them."

He knocked Spock and the red shirts back on their ass which surprised me. Then one drew his phaser. With a shout, Charlie made the phaser disappear.

I poked him hard in the chest, "Go to your quarters."

"He was going to hurt me."

"Go to your quarters or I'll pick you up and carry you there," I said straightforwardly. "Anybody think I'm kidding?"

"You wouldn't dare," he said, eyes daring.

Did this little shit? Did he just? Oh hell no. Nobody challenged me on _my_ ship unless they wanted to end up in sickbay. And everyone knew that. That was why my red shirts and Spock looked apprehensive and on edge as I breathed harshly rough my nostrils.

"Alright," I said in a surprisingly even and normal tone.

Charlie got out, "Wh-what?"

I grasped his arm, pulled it straight, and then stomped his calf. Dead legging him. With a cry he went down and I hauled him over my shoulder like the sack of shit that he was.

"Put me down!" he roared, pounding on my back.

"You brought this upon yourself, you brat!"

I heard Uhura, "Captain Kirk."

"Kirk here."

"Security reports that all phaser weapons have disappeared. Shall I repeat, Captain?"

I gave Charlie over John, sending them away as Charlie screamed the entire time he left Spock's quarters. Damn, I couldn't believe I was still in his quarters.

"I'm sorry, Spock. This all went down in your quarters."

"It is quite alright, Captain. Vulcans do not get offended. It's a human emotion."

"Well, you _are_ half human," I said. Then I went over to the intercom. "No, I heard you. Have Doctor McCoy meet me in the Briefing room." I let go of the button and faced Spock. "You're coming with me too."

**X**

"Thasians have been referred to in our records as having the power to transmute objects or render substances invisible. It has generally been regarded as legend, but Charlie does seem to possess this same power," Spock said.

I sighed loudly, putting my legs up on top of the table. I made sure the boys didn't see anything other than my tight clad legs as I straightened out my dress. Today was a stressful day, one simple mission went to the shitter faster than you could say 'flobber worms'.

"What are chances that Charlie's not an Earthling, that he's a Thasian?"

Bones interjected, "No, I don't think so, not unless they're exactly like Earthlings. The development of his fingers and toes exactly matches the present development of man's on Earth."

For once Spock said to Bones, "Agreed."

"Well, whatever he is, we have some idea of the power he has," I said putting my hands down on the table. "I know what I saw him do in the Spock's quarters. Now we just we need to snuff it. Any ideas on the snuffing part?"

At the men's silence I continued on. They probably thought I meant something else judging by the looks on their face. Crap, I had to explain.

"You know I meant, his _powers_. Not the boy himself," I sighed loudly as their faces relaxed. "We can't take him with us to Earth Colony Five. Can you imagine what he'd do in an open normal environment. I've interacted with him and it's clear that he can't control these violent feelings brewing inside him, so he takes it out on others around him. He's a real little shit pot."

"And with a weapon in him which could destroy you or anyone, anywhere on this ship. And considering the feelings that he harbors for you, it's best that you have someone with you at all times."

I gave him a look, "No, that's not necessary. I don't need a personal guard for me. It's ridiculous."

Suddenly, Charlie entered under guard, looking directly at me. I didn't know if it was on purpose or not, but he blocked Spock from my view almost completely. Whoa, the hell?

"You wanted to ask me something?"

"Did you blow the Anteres up? Tell the truth, I'm not messing around."

"Yes," he said and I ran a hand down my face in annoyance. "There was a warped baffle-plate on the shield of their energy pile. I made it go away. It would've blown up anyway…." I gave him the most incredulous look and was about to say 'what the fuck'. But he continued. "Well they weren't nice to me! They wanted to get rid of me. They don't now."

This kid was a fucking psychopath. What the fucking hell? How could he— nope not even going to get into that bullshit! I'll just ask the question that was on everyone's mind.

"Don't you like us, Charlie?"

After a pause he said, "I like you… but I don't know about…."

He left without warning.

We're in the hands of an adolescent," Spock said.

**X**

"Lieutenant, raise Colony Five. I want to speak directly to the governor," I said uneasy.

"Yes, ma'am," Uhura said.

I instructed, "Navigator, lay a course away from Colony Five. Buy me some time."

"Yes, ma'am."

Suddenly, Uhura's console short-circuited and she was thrown to the floor by the blast. Holy shit! I rushed over there to her aid, helping her sit up properly and wondering if she was okay.

I spoke to my first officer, "Spock, get the doctor up here on the double." Then I turned back to Unura. "How bad is it?" I asked.

"I think it's all right, ma'am. Ma'am, there's no reason for that panel to cross-circuit like that. I checked it over myself not fifteen minutes ago."

"Captain! I can't feed any course co-ordinates into the panel, ma'am. It rejects the course change."

"Helm doesn't respond either, ma'am."

Nothing was responding. Why? What caused a huge malfunction like that? Did someone or something knock out the power supply? They better not have. I'd be all over their ass. Wait a minute… _Charlie_.

"Spock, you getting any readings on your instruments?" I asked breathlessly as I helped Uhura back to her seat.

"Yes, ma'am. There's a—" suddenly he went stiff, rigid like a board. "Tyger, tyger, burning bright in the forest of the night." he recited an old poem.

What the fucking hell?

"Spock," I said confusedly.

He continued to recite, "I'm trying to Saturn rings around my head, down a road that's Martian red."

I was about to say what the damn hell, but I was interrupted before I could say anything of value. I mean my first officer didn't randomly recite Edgar Allen Poe… as he would put it it's illogical.

"You're trying to change course, Jamie. You can't do that. I want to get to Colony Five as soon as we can," he said.

I let the whole 'calling me by my first name' thing pass on the count that what was going on was far more important.

"Release the transmitter."

He said offhandedly, "You don't need all that subspace chatter."

Oh like he was the one to make that call. To coin a British phrase 'ruddy pumpkin head' was absolutely perfect in this situation. And I would have called him that if I wouldn't keep getting fucking interrupted all the damn time.

"What's going on here?" Bones said. "Spock calls me to the Bridge and goes into some kind of poetry."

I pinched the bridge of my nose, "See to her, Doctor."

McCoy rushed over to Uhura, checking on her. At least one thing was going accordingly for christ's sake.

"Once upon a midnight dreary while I pondered, weak and weary!"

More robotically forced poetry. Wonderful.

"Very nice, Mister Ears," Charlie clapped, taking a seat in my chair. "Oh, I can make him do anything, whirl around, laugh, anything."

Red hot anger flashed through me like the Hulk except less massive or green. Jamie smash!

"That's enough, Charlie," I said firmly. "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

He stiffened as if he knew where he fucked up, "Please don't be angry with me. Don't you think he's funny? I think he's funny." he _looked_ innocent.

I got up in his face, "Leave my first officer alone."

He nodded sheepishly before exiting swiftly. I sighed, running a hand through my face, and then collapsing in my captain's chair. Dammit, why do freaking teenagers have to be such a pain in the ass especially ones with supernatural gifts.

"Jamie, you know he'll soon reach a point where he won't back down," Bones told me.

I couldn't help saying it irritably, "I know, Bones."

I got up and left, preparing to get some air and possibly figure out how to deal with this brat kid before he screwed everything up. I wouldn't dare let anyone hurt my crew. They'd have to go through me first.

I opened my door to my quarters preparing to lie down. But I jumped about thirty feet when I pulled back the covers. There Charlie was, lying in my bed of all places. What the hell?

"Sorry. I wanted to surprise you," he said.

I said uncomfortably with fake enthusiasm, "Good job! High marks."

"I have something for you," he pulled out a rose. "Red is your favorite, isn't it?"

The gifts weren't adorable anymore. Anybody who was a lady's man knew that material belongings really didn't impress us in first place.

"You don't break into someone's room and lay in their bed," I told him straight up.

He challenged me, "Don't ever keep me from your bed, Jamie. I love you."

I ignored the 'I love you' to reprimand him for the more pressing bullshit. Ain't nobody's gonna order me around in _my_ _room_.

"I'll permit and reject anyone I want!"

As he stood from my bed, I flipped open my comm. for Spock since the main communications were down and I couldn't contact the whole ship. I knew that even he, emotionless and logical, would understand when two people were in an argument and needed help.

"I don't understand, I only want to be nice to you. I can give you anything. Just, just tell me," he said rather desperately.

I remained firm, "I want you to get out."

He whined pathetically, "But I only want to be nice to you."

"Get out right now, Charlie!" I said fiercely. "I can't make it any plainer than that. Get out or I'll throw you out head first."

"I love you."

There were those blasted three words again. It didn't help when he moved in closer to me.

"You don't even know what that word means," I said angrily. He looked interrupt me. "Eh! … It's not love. It's obsession, blind, and simple. If you really cared about me you would leave when I asked instead of twittering about your feelings!"

Suddenly, Spock burst through my door, breaking it down since it automatically locks behind me. Whoa… it seemed we had a he-man aboard.

"Captain!" Spock said.

Immediately, he was knocked down, groaning in pain. I couldn't deny the anger. Why was it always Spock?!

I roared, "Charlie!"

I punched him right across the face. I didn't want to come to blows, but I couldn't help my anger. I went for another one since I already drew blood, but suddenly my legs locked up. I collapsed to the floor with a loud grunt.

I looked up to see a hurt expression on his face, "Why is it always that weirdo!? Why do you choose him? You make me feel this way and then you reject me for Mister Ears?! Why?!"

"He's my friend," I said through harsh pants of breath. "And I'm so going to kick your ass for hurting him!"

I tried to move, but my legs laid uselessly across my floor. All I could do was pull myself by my arms, but it felt as if my legs were getting heavier and heavier. Ah dammit!

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Jamie. The Enterprise isn't quite like the Antares, running the Antares was easy. I still need you, but I don't need him. If you don't behave then he'll die."

His eyes crossed and I heard Spock make another noise of pain. I looked over my shoulder and Spock had gone incredibly still. I had no idea why. He was still sitting up so he wasn't dead.

Charlie solved my curiosity, "I turned his bones into pine cones, one move, they'll crumble and Mister Pointy will die."

My teeth grit as I spoke, "You're going to do exactly what I say." he looked disbelieving. "Because you need me to run the ship, and I need him. Release him, _now_!"

"If you try to hurt me again, I'll make a lot of people go away. Growing up isn't so much. I'm not a man, and I can do anything! You can't."

**X**

I stood beside Spock as one of my red shirts finished working on a little protective tool, so that this absolute bullshit would cease. God, I hated that kid. It wasn't often that someone pushed me around like that and I wanted cumupits.

Spock said, "I'll activate the force field myself. You can return to your section."

Without warning red shirt was frozen into a solid slab of ice. OH SHIT!

"He had a mean look. I had to freeze him. I like happy looks," none other than Charlie *ehem anti-Christ* entered room. "Aren't you coming in?"

The forcefield activated in the doorway, so Charlie made the wall go away like it wasn't even a problem. And before I could react, everything in me froze. Literally. I was cased in ice and couldn't do jack shit. I was so beyond pissed.

"That wasn't nice. You'll be sorry. You wait, you'll see, you'll be sorry you did that. One day you will my love," if I could I would've bit the hand that touched my frozen face. Then both Spock and I fell to the ground from mid-step when Charlie unfroze us. "You will." he said.

As he whistled snapping his fingers along he turned a young woman into an old one. Then some crewmen were giggling like a bunch of school girls, "No laughing!" He made them mouthless. Next the shadows froze, then a woman with no face felt her way around the corner.

I. Hated. This. Kid.

**X**

I was back on the bridge, sitting on my chair.

"Captain Kirk, my instruments show we're receiving a message on subspace frequency three, ship-to-ship. I can't hear it, ma'am."

Not this bullshit again.

"Are you creating that message, Charlie, or you're blocking one that's coming in," I said angrily.

He said playful, "It's my game, love. You have to find out. Like you said, that's how the game's played. I've locked on course for Colony Five again."

He left. I could practically snap his neck off I was so furious.

"I'm sick of this shit!" I said angrily. "I'm going to tear him a new one."

Hot large hands grasped my biceps sending this heat into my almost always cold body. Whoa… were Vulcan hands always so _hot_? Well, it worked in freezing me in my place. Spock never touched people.

He dropped his hands and and said, "You don't have any special immunity, not anymore. You pushed him too far. He'll send you off to oblivion too."

I turned to my oldest friend, "Bones?"

"Out of the question."

I sunk back to my seat, oblivious at the time that Spock was right behind my chair and it kind of looked weird. But my mind was too immersed in what was important, taking down Charlie.

"Wait a minute," I said slowly. "Does Charlie? Now, wait, Spock, has he done away with anybody since he took over?"

"Not so far as we know."

I got, pacing around the bridge. It helped with my thinking process. Come at me, see what happens.

"Maybe he can't. Perhaps he's at his limit. It takes a shit ton of power to control a starship. If we push him hard enough then he'll snap, then you can stun him with his phaser, keep him down, and then I can take control of my ship once more. No more Mrs. Nice Captain."

Bones said, "Risky, Jamie."

"If we don't try, Bones, he'll get rid of us anyway. There's no choice, my boys, none at all."

Suddenly, the doors swished open again. Charlie walked across the bridge and took a seat on my chair. My upper lip curled, a small snarl escaped me.

"I can make you all go away anytime I want to," he said smugly.

I sneaked up behind him in MY chair and got in his ear and whispered in a deadly calm tone, "You better get your ass out of my chair."

He let out a completely unmanly scream. He fell out of my chair and I smirked as I took my seat back with relish. Fear, authority, and charm were my weapons; I didn't pull punches.

"I've still got your ship, Captain," he said, trying to regain some of his dignity back.

"Maybe, Charlie, but I don't think you can handle any more. I think you've reached your limit and can't take on one more thing, but you're going to have to."

"I could've sent you away before, my love, but I didn't."

I stood up, defiance clear in me. I was never one to just sit back and take anything.

"You're going to have to take me on."

"Don't make me do it now."

I said, "You've got my ship, and I want it back. I want my crew back, whole, if I have to snap your fucking neck to do it!"

I punched him across the face. It matched the bruise on the other side of his jaw. I smirked, but in the next second I dropped like an earthquake. It felt like my guts were twisting all around like a colicky horse. I let out a small cry of pain.

"Sorry. I'm sorry, but stop it. I said stop it!"

Spock said, "Captain, the navigation console is clear now. The ship is answering the helm."

The pain was gone, so I stood. I looked at Charlie with a narrowed gaze. I was giving him so much shade.

Uhura broke me from my death glare, "Ma'am, something off our starboard bow. The message says they're from Thasus."

"Sensors show there something's there, Captain. Deflectors indicate no solid substance," Spock said.

Charlie broke down, anguish clear on his annoying pubescent puke face. I didn't feel a sympathetic bone in my body.

"No! Oh, no, please, don't let them take me. I can't live with them anymore. You're my friends. You said you were my friends, remember? When I came aboard! Please, I want to go home. Take me home."

A shimmery green mist in the shape of a humanoid appeared in front of me. Oh shit!

Thasian said, "I have taken my form from centuries ago, so that I may communicate with you. We did not realise until too late that the boy had gone, and we are saddened that his escape cost the lives of the first ship. We could not help them, but we have returned your people and your ship to you. Everything is as it was."

"I won't do it again. Please, I'll be good. I won't ever do it again. I'm sorry about the Antares. I'm sorry! When I came aboard! Please, I want to go with you. Help me!"

"No! As soon as you don't get your way you'll do it again. I want you off my ship. Now!" I turned to the Thasian. "You can take him away now, be quick about it please."

Thasian said, "We will take care of him. Come, Charles."

I felt cooler smaller hands grab me this time by shoulders. I felt myself being shaken as the boy looked incredibly desperate.

"Oh, please, don't let them take me. I can't even touch them! Jamie, they can't feel. Not like you! They don't love! Please, I want to stay."

He faded away in little sparkly particles as I tried to get my bearings. That was something; I still didn't feel a drop of sympathy considering the bullshit everyone went through. That kid sucked ass. That kid sucked balls. The kid sucked ass-balls!

Uhura said, "Charlie's back on board the Thasian ship, ma'am. They signal they're leaving."

"Thank god, I'll be in my quarters, taking a nap," I sighed pinching the bridge of my nose before existing the bridge.

**Author's Note: Be sure to review! :—)**


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